Boundary-Setting Inspiration from Lord of the Rings

Boundary-setting is a topic that comes up often in sessions with my clients.   So many of us struggle with setting healthy boundaries, including me.  A natural people pleaser, I’ve had to practice learning how to set boundaries, personally and professionally, in a way that is more self-compassionate and compassionate, rather than rigid and resentful.  Read on to learn about a big shift I had around boundary-setting, resulting in me feeling both encouraged and understood by my family when I need to take time to myself.

In the early days of the pandemic I was holed up with my family - husband, three kids and dog - at our cottage in Ontario. We were cosy and safe and very grateful for our privileges. And, like many others, we also felt the need to escape our world’s problems. So my husband, elder son and I decided to watch all of The Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies, all over again, together.

We explored another world instead.

(Are you a Lord of the Rings fan too? The books captured my imagination back when I was a tween. I have fond memories of sprawling on my bed and immersing myself in the flow of reading them.)

Watching those movies inspired a lot of joking and references. The one that has stuck the longest has to do with my fierce boundary-setting for my morning rituals of yoga, meditation and journaling.

Because we were in a smaller space than usual where we can hear everything happening in all corners of the house, I had to become a little fiercer and protective of my quiet time in the mornings. Pre-pandemic, I was already "best friends" with my noise-cancelling headphones and my playlists for my rituals. But with the change in circumstances, I doubled down on all of that. Plus I found I needed that quiet time even more so I could show up grounded and centered as possible for my family in that super-challenging time.

I can't remember who started it but it became a thing to say that "Mum was going back to Rivendell again to commune with her people, the Elves". It was actually great - I'd love to be an Elf. Rivendell is sooo beautiful (see photo). And once everyone in the family knew what “Rivendell” meant, we could all support me in going to Rivendell, knowing we'd all be better off if I did.

Apparently, Tolkien travelled to this valley, the Lauterbrunner Valley in Switzerland. It’s believed to have been the inspiration for Rivendell.

My husband would even say, gently, “Do you need to go to Rivendell?” Lovely man. So with that naming I had help from my family in creating that boundaried time - they helped me Make Room For Me.

“For a while the hobbits continued to talk and think of the past journey and of the perils that lay ahead;
but such was the virtue of the land of Rivendell that soon all fear and anxiety was lifted from their minds.
The future, good or ill, was not forgotten, but ceased to have any power over the present."

—J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

This quote is very evocative of what happens when I go into Rivendell. I absolutely love it. It feeds me. It replenishes me. I reconnect to myself. I gather my strength again. While I may still feel fear and anxiety, I connect with the courage I need to move forward with intentionality. I am able to more powerfully and lovingly relate to others. It’s become an essential well-being ritual for me. (In Rivendell, I regularly use my own recorded meditations which you can access for free here.) 

I’m so grateful that we have named this ritual in our family; it contributes greatly to greater ease and flow and harmony for me and for all of us. Others in the family have also been creating their own version of Rivendell too.

Now, over to you…How do you communicate your boundaries in healthy ways, either at home or at work? I’d love to hear!