Do You Have Worry Cup or A Cup of Concern?

This post explores "worry" versus "concern" and connects these ideas with exciting research on positive emotions. Remember, I have been loosely exploring managing our energy not our time since the summer and this post fits with managing our emotional energy. Also, you will see that I am using some "metaphors" here. Metaphors are a fun way to help us get to the heart of a matter.

I have often thought that I have a "worry cup". My worry cup must be filled to a consistent level all the time. So, if one thing I have been worrying about vanishes (drains out), I automatically find something else to worry about and take it's place in the cup. This makes me think of a story. Years ago, when my kids were really little, I was taking some much-needed time out to work out in the gym. This gym had a lot of senior citizens working out in it too, which I always found inspiring. On this particular day, I was sitting on one of the pieces of equipment, and apparently I was lost in thought, worrying, most likely about money. A man named John came by me and must have noticed the worried look on my face. John was 91 years old at the time and just exuded vitality and wisdom. I couldn't help but smile every time I saw him. John said to me: "Milisa, you look like you are worrying." I confirmed that he was bang on. He then said: "Don't worry. Be concerned. But don't worry." John's advice has stuck with me over the years and caused me to reflect and ultimately write this post. What's the difference between worry and concern? Well, let's look at some dictionary definitions, to start with.

"Worry" - to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.

"Concern" - to relate to, to be connected with; be of interest or importance to to engage with; or to trouble, worry or disquiet.

So, we can see that there is overlap between the two words, but I think John meant that I should be connected with and engaged with the issue, rather than fret over it. In order to connect and engage with an issue, it seems to me, we have to be much more proactive. We need to actively reflect on the issue and then we need to take some action, rather than fret and ruminate on it for ages. I like this approach, since I really value being proactive in my life, rather than fretting or just being reactive all the time.

A wise friend of mine called me on it just the other day on our walk home from the dog park as I fretted about the fact that I didn't send my five year old to school with mittens. (My worry/rumination: He will freeze his hands and he will have a terrible time outside and I am a bad mother and I will get in trouble with the teacher!) She knew I was drafting this blog post. She said: "Don't put that in your worry cup. He will be fine." Well, she was right. He was. And, I went home and made sure the mittens were ready for the next day. In sum, I fretted, then with my friend's help, reflected on what I could do about it, engaged with the issue and then took action. I felt much better. (I know that this is a really minor thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things, but I deliberately chose a relatively trivial matter to illustrate how even that can spiral down into "I am a bad mother".)

So, I am now declaring that I no longer have a worry cup. Instead, I declare that I have a cup of concern. And I will let it's fill level vary from time to time, just to make life more interesting and leave room for other things. I will also work on filling a massive mug with a potion of positive emotions. In a previous post I referred to a book called "Positivity" by Barbara Fredrickson. Fredrickson presents her research which shows that in order to flourish, we need to maintain a ratio of positive emotions to negative emotions of at least 3 to 1 (5 to 1 for close relationships.) (See this video for an excellent summary). Essentially, this means that every time we have 1 measly negative thought, if we want to flourish, we need to have at least 3 positive thoughts to balance it off. Returning to my cup metaphor, this means that my big steaming mug of positive emotions has to be at least three times the size of my cup of concern (and any other negativity I am feeling attached to). Now, I am picturing my cup of concern as one of those little tiny teacups that comes in the tiny children's tea sets. It is greatly diminished in size and importance. (By the way, there is a limit to the ratio. Apparently if we go beyond 11 to 1, we don't flourish, but I don't think that's an issue for most of us, especially on a grey and wet fall day! The cup of concern does fill a necessary role in our lives but we need to limit its size relative to the big mug to flourish).

So, would you like to pull up and chair and join me around this nice, imaginary, cosy fire and sip on your large mug of positive emotions for a bit? Hmmm, so delicious! What do you think? Leave a comment here. And, I encourage you to visit Barbara Fredrickson's site and register to take the quick positivity ratio assessment. It is a very interesting exercise and even more interesting if you track your results over time. The first time I did it, I was struck by how many emotions I could remember experiencing in the space of 24 hours and I know that that was only the tip of the iceberg. I was also struck by how low my ratio was. It takes some effort and intentionality to flourish!