Permission to Be Kind to Ourselves
In the last few years, I’ve become increasingly fierce about promoting and validating qualities that have been labelled “feminine”, such as kindness and compassion, and therefore seen as weak or at best, secondary to, “masculine” qualities like rationality and logic.
It's time for us all, as human beings, to own the power of these "feminine" qualities within us and each other, and using them for more good, for ourselves and for the world.
So, last year, it was very validating to learn from the Chair of the Ontario Medical Association’s Burnout Task Force and psychiatrist Dr. Mamta Gautam, that her first recommendation for physicians vulnerable to burnout is to be kind to themselves - to turn some of that compassion they're so beautifully offering to others, toward themselves. [First Episode OMA Burnout Podcast]
That’s right, Dr. Gautam's advice was to activate one of those “feminine” qualities: self-kindness!
That advice got me thinking, reflecting and paying more attention to self-kindness.
Self-Kindness Resources - books, a website, a program and quotes
Self-kindness is one of three elements of self-compassion as defined by the renowned expert in the area, Kristin Neff, PhD. Years ago, in the Making Room For You Book group we read, and all loved, her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself. More recently we read her latest book Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive.
Here’s a very simple but powerful statement from Kristin Neff’s website:
With self-compassion,we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.
I know. It’s easier said than done. But we can practice.Kristin Neff’s website and free meditations are a good place to start.
In the Book Group, we also read Together: The Healing Power of Connection in A Sometimes Lonely World by Dr. Vivek Murthy.Here’s Vivek Murthy’s encouragement on the subject of self-kindness, which comes a page after he shared a powerful example of a gifted female physician experiencing feeling like a failure because her compassion wasn’t valued as much as scientific and intellectual knowledge (Ugh!!!):
In order to move independently through the world, we all need to learn to treat ourselves with the kindness, encouragement, and candorthat we would offer a good friend.
This is what we’re doing when we give ourselves a pep talk on difficult days, when we treat ourselves to a calming walk to let off stress or tell ourselves to get to sleep early when we feel a cold coming on.
We incorporate all the soothing, supportive messages that we’ve absorbed from others who love us and relay those messages to ourselves.
This constructive self-talk reminds us who we are, what we love and value, and why we need to keep going – just as a close friend would do.
But it takes time alone and consistent practice to develop the habit of being compassionate toward oneself…
- Together, p. 198
[I took the liberty of adding emphasis.]
Don’t you think it’s empowering to hear that choosing to be kind to yourself is an important step to prevent/address burnout?
There’s a choice we can act on, even in the midst of the most difficult circumstances.
And, finally... a powerful question... What does self-kindness look like to you, for you?
(Hint, start small like the woman in the photo hugging herself, for example… small can be very mighty!)
It’s never too late to Make Room For You, and self-kindness.
Kindly, Milisa
PS: For inspiration, here are some more incredible resources:
Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do And Become by Barbara Fredrickson PhD
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck PhD.
The Midlife Unraveling, 2018 article by Brené Brown
PPS If you're a Canadian physician or medical student, here are two great options - empowered choices you can make - both sponsored by the Canadian Medical Association, join:
Compassion Rounds facilitated by Dr. Daniela Isfan; and
Psychological First Aid facilitated by Dr. Marcia Kosteniuk.
Both Daniela and Marcia are newly discovered kindred spirits. I'm really enjoying getting to know them and learning from them - they are wise women!
Photo by De'Andre Bush on Unsplash
