Are You Choosing to be a Victim or a Creator in Your Life?

Are you choosing to be a victim or a creator in your life? This is a moment to moment, day to day choice… below I share a story from my own life where I chose victim. But first…

One of the most influential things I have learned in the last few years is the sense that life is happening through me, not to me… and through you too… through us all. I knew this at one level before – I knew that I had many choices as to how I could behave and that those choices impacted my life and the lives of those around me. The growth mindset was a huge part of that understanding and took me a long way. What was different most recently was that I felt it in my whole body. I felt how the energy of life flows through me and how I can influence that flow. It wasn’t just a sense of “yes that’s true” that was coming from my head. I got it through my whole self: a beautiful river of generative energy is flowing through me. That was when I started to write posts like Grounded Loving Tornado to try to describe the energy I felt. (To clarify, the flow of life that I am referring to here is different from the psychological state of “flow” named by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, though my sense is that being in the psychological state of “flow” is one way of experiencing the deeper flow of life.)

Over the last few years, I have worked to embody this sense of flow, to work with it, as best I can. I have worked to remove the many barriers I have discovered that were interfering with the full on, full bodied flow of life through me. These barriers, like big rocks in a river, have been in the form of a toxic mix of old stories such as “I’m not enough”, “I’m alone”, and this extra shameful one: “I’m inferior”. Do any of those resonate with you?

I’m a work in progress so there’s more to do, more rocks to move or dissolve… and that’s ok because I do love a challenge and the rewards are incredible: greater resilience, greater ease, greater joy, greater connection and the possibility of greater positive impact and contribution.

However, even with all this progress, I still do have my moments when I am not in the flow – when I am stuck. I feel rigid, in a box, closed, fixed, tight, struggling. Sound familiar?? It’s exhausting and can be sabotaging of all that I value.

So, here’s an example from my own life: when I was stuck and inflexible and resentful and not in flow, and how I came out of that highly unpleasant and destructive state of being back into flow.

Not long ago we were at our family cottage for the weekend. I was very tired… things are always worse then, right? I started to spin into resentment, struggling as I worked in the kitchen preparing dinner, feeling very alone. Everyone else was suiting themselves, relaxing in their way. And here I was again, on my own, making dinner for everyone. The situation seemed very unfair. I felt like a victim of my circumstances. I started sighing, huffing… slamming things around a bit, just waiting for someone to notice my resentment… it took a while but eventually my husband asked me what was wrong. Well, then I let him have it: about the unfairness, why was no one helping me, this happens every time… yada yada yada. And that just served to push him and any support that he might have offered even further away, making me feel very alone. Ditto with my daughter who happened by. I totally alienated her too. Ugh. It felt even more awful.

I had lost connection with myself and the deeper truth that when I am not tired, I do actually enjoy puttering alone in the kitchen making a yummy healthy dinner for my family (not every night, mind you, and I am a big believer in others in the family cooking dinner). There is something deeply satisfying to me in making a meal for my family. So, I had lost that connection to myself and what is really true, and then I ended up severing the connections with my family as well. This was not pretty. Not the best way to spend a Saturday evening at the cottage.

And, the whole time, there was a voice in my head observing this behaviour and just doing the proverbial, “Oh dear,” shake of the head. That wise observer part of me just watched and waited to be heard. Luckily, after a few minutes of this, I started to listen to that wiser part of me and take responsibility for how I was showing up. I began to open up. I was more receptive to that wiser self, to the support that had always been around me. I stopped reacting to my fatigue and the mounting resentment and allowed for the real story to come forth. I reminded myself that I could change this dance right now if I chose. I could move from behaving like a victim in reaction to being in creation. I could reconnect to myself, acknowledging my fatigue with compassion, reminding myself that I could learn from this and perhaps when I am tired figure out another dinner option, or ask for help in a generative, approachable way instead of the slammy* way I was going about things. I could bring it up at our next family meeting. I could remind myself that I am a work in progress, with many imperfections, but that I am meant to grow and am supported by life in my endeavours to do so…

So, given all that, “What was the opportunity here in this challenge?”, I asked myself. (This is my favourite growth mindset question.) It was to change the dance. So, I chose to change the dance into one that was more creative and flowing… I took responsibility for my behaviour… I apologized for my unkindness and the mixed signals I was sending. I initiated hugs, and blessedly, was hugged back. I stepped back into a more flowing, creative state rather than one of reaction, rigidity, struggle, slammy-ness and terrible isolation. And we saved our Saturday evening. :)

So, my friend, this is an example of the contrast between being in a state of struggle and reaction and rigidity versus being in flow with life, the contrast of being a victim versus being a creator in our lives.

If these ideas resonate with you, I invite you to join us on Thursday evening April 25 for our Feminine Power Women’s Circle where the theme is Flowing. Come and see how you can be more connected with the energy of life flowing through you and experience the support of other incredible women in the process. Remember, life is happening through you, not to you. You have a choice. You can stay in reaction to the flow life, feeling like a victim of your circumstances. Or you can choose to be a creator of the life you want by working with the flow of life that is happening through you. What do you choose?

warmly, Milisa

*We named this “slammy” at a MRFY Retreat - as in slamming the dishes in the dishwasher with resentment. Thank you M for the naming!!