Using Anger to “Shore Up” Presence

Multitudes of women have shared with me over the 19 years that I’ve been a coach, that, above all, they desire to feel more present in their lives - to be able to savour and enjoy more of their experiences.  In this post I share an anecdote where I used my imagination to “shore up” my presence involving:

• boundaries

• anger; and

• river imagery.

I hope this post is even a fraction as inspiring for you to read as it has been for me to write. 

Walking through Each - Boundaries, Anger & River

Some boundaries background

Lately, I’ve been exploring the topic of boundaries. I find the topic fascinating and important for our relationships - both with ourselves and with others, at work, at home and everywhere in between. I’ve been in good company in this exploration as my dear friend and colleague Barbara Frensel and I have been facilitating together on this topic. Here’s a definition of boundaries from Melissa Urban in The Book of Boundaries:

[Boundaries are] clear limits you establish around the ways you allow people to engage with you, so that you can keep yourself and your relationships safe and healthy...

Terri Cole, author of Boundary Boss, says:

Personal boundaries are like a guidebook that you create to clearly identify permissible ways that other people may behave toward you.

Terri Cole also points out that how we regard and treat ourselves sets the bar for every other relationship in our lives.

It’s astounding that such an important topic is not taught to us in school or at home and few of us have experienced healthy role modelling of this in our lives. It’s high time that changed. I hope these ideas are at least a drop in the bucket of that change for you as they are for me.

Using Anger for Constructive Purposes

In the last couple of years, I’ve been playing around with using my anger for constructive purposes (instead of the usual destructive purposes). I learned this practice from Kristin Neff in her book Fierce Self-Compassion. It’s come in handy many a time since - 😏 - I have a sensitive resentment/anger response!

As I’ve learned over the years, when we’re angry it can be our body’s way of telling us that one of our boundaries has been violated, by someone else or by us. Our emotions have much wisdom to share with us if we’re willing to listen. (That’s where Making Room For You comes in - we need to create the space to listen to ourselves.) So feeling anger is an opportunity to see if there’s a way we can construct or improve our boundaries (either within ourselves or with others).

Being a River, a Force of Nature

I've also been playing around with the image of being a river, a force of nature to help me practice moving out of shame or powerlessness and into my full presence. (This is me practicing walking my talk- I tend to work with clients at this level.) During my explorations, I came across this quote about boundaries and rivers:

“I think of boundaries as being the natural outcome of a person who has grown into a mature, actualized being. Imagine coming to the edge of a river. If the river is full and flowing, as you stand there on the riverbank, you are going to think twice about crossing it. The flowing presence is in itself a natural boundary. Now imagine that the same river has dried up, is dry and walkable – you might walk across without even hesitating.

It is the same with people. When they are present and full of themselves in the best possible way, there is no question of invading them, crossing them, or walking over them.”

- Lianne Raymond quoted in White Hot Truth by Danielle Laporte, p.105

This quote and the image of the river resonated so deeply with me when I read it. I do have the experience of energy flowing through me moment to moment. I feel quite river-like. And I desire to be “present and full of myself in the best possible way”.

BRINGING THEM All TOGETHER - BOUNDARIES, ANGER & RIVER

What would using anger for constructive purposes look like in the river imagery?

One day on a morning walk when I was feeling angry, I started to use my imagination and asked myself: “What would using anger for constructive purposes look like in the river imagery?” And I realized that I could feel my anger (using Kristin Neff’s self-compassion practice) and then turn it into rocks for my river bank - alchemize it. That idea made me so happy, practically lifting me off the ground as I walked…

I continued walking and I started to imagine that the rocks would be the genesis of a new ecosystem along my river… soil would collect in between the rocks, moss and cattails would grow, lilies would bloom and so on. There would be beauty.  And my presence would literally be "shored up". This made me so expanded joyful and hopeful. I had a new and improved way of showing up in my fuller presence.

Conclusion

And so now I come back to this imagery when I need it - when I'm feeling angry or resentful and sensing that one of my boundaries has been crossed, by me or someone else. And I can practise alchemizing, turning that anger into a new part of my beautiful river. And then show up in greater presence - and connect to others and to life in more enjoyable and effective ways.

INSIGHTS?

What insights are you having now that you’ve read this piece?

Please consider sharing with me. Hearing from you inspires my creativity.