The Sweet Fruits of Transformation – A Story
I want to tell you the story of Vanessa, an imaginary woman who is a combination of many of the women I have talked to and worked with over the years, and me. I want to sketch out for you her “before and after” coaching story – so you can see the benefits of transformation. The fruits of transformation can be very sweet indeed!
I feel comfortable that I am not violating the privacy here of any woman I have talked to or worked with – the patterns that I describe in Vanessa are patterns I have seen repeated over and over again in the last 13 years. They are really not personal and that is actually part of what I want you all to know – if you are experiencing any of what Vanessa is experiencing in this story, you are so not alone! This is not personal. And life doesn’t have to be this way.
Vanessa is a professional woman with a challenging job. a partner in a loving and imperfect marriage, and a mother. She has two kids, both of whom are bright and one who deals with a lot of anxiety. Vanessa and her husband are, understandably, worried about their child. Vanessa has a number of good friends, though she doesn’t see them nearly as much as she’d like.
Vanessa has been a success, in the typical sense, in her career so far. She’s had quite a bit of support along the way. People have seen her potential and have helped her. She herself gets great satisfaction from mentoring younger women who are coming up in the ranks behind her.
At her best, Vanessa is curious, open, engaging, loves a challenge, and is a generator of joy for herself and those around her. Her values include honesty, integrity, connection and courage. She is in fact quite courageous, though she doesn’t see herself that way. She’s even a visionary, though she doesn’t see herself that way either. She is by all accounts an incredible woman, with so much more potential, though, unfortunately, she doesn’t see herself that way either.
Vanessa is on the verge of burn-out. She has really high standards, and those have definitely served her well in many ways along the way, both in her career and in her personal life. But now she’s hitting this wall where she’s chronically exhausted and overwhelmed and really questioning a lot of things in her life and work. On her worst days, her self-doubt is really debilitating. She’s wondering what “it’s all for” and whether what she is doing worth it given how her kids are, how she is and how her partner is.
She questions herself, seeing herself as the root of the problem: What is wrong with her? Why can’t she get it together? Why do other women seem to be managing so well and she can’t? At times, she feels like a complete imposter in her own life. And at other times, she feels kind of superior and judgmental of others, especially her partner - Why can’t they get it together? What’s taking them so long? Why can’t they learn how to do things the right way? This flood of judgment can make her lash out in frustration. The truth is, even as she’s feeling judgmental of others, she’s actually exponentially more judgmental of herself. This all feels devastating. And around and around she goes, in the cycle of rumination, spinning with exhaustion all the while.
In her clearest moments, Vanessa feels like there must be a better way - there’s got to be, that this can’t be the way life is supposed to be - being exhausted and overwhelmed almost constantly. And yet she cannot see a way out.
Does any of this sound at all familiar at all to you? I know from talking with countless women since I became a coach in 2005 that these patterns are true for so many of us.
And I also know from the depths of my being that it does not have to be this way. Vanessa is right – this is not all there is! What she is experiencing is not the kind of success she is looking for. She does not care so much for prestige and power in the typical sense, as much as for things like intimate relationships, meaningful work that makes her feel proud, and a sense that she is making the contribution to her family and to the world she knows she is capable of making (if only she had the energy and the time).
So one day, she makes the commitment to step into the coaching process, which is quite a big leap of faith, since she is not really sure what will happen. But, for the first time in a while she feels hopeful and optimistic - that there may indeed be a different way - which feels really validating. She feels safe with her coach. She feels like she can finally let her guard down with someone who understands and has the tools to help her help herself. She also is wondering where she will find the time for it as she is already so busy and feels overwhelmed so often. But, she knows that she cannot continue on like this – she is going to burn out, and life will spiral down into an even worse place. So she embarks on her coaching adventure with a high level of commitment to this investment in herself.
Fast forward a few months, to Vanessa on the other side of this process, Vanessa has the same loving partnership, the same children, and the same job. At first, everything might look the same from the outside, but Vanessa’s experience of her life and work is entirely different. While in her coaching partnership, she shifted how she sees herself, how she relates to life/a power bigger than she is and how she relates to others. The synergy of these shifts is transformative for her.
As Vanessa begins to make choices and behaves in ways that reflect the deeper truth about who she is, how life is supporting her and how others can help her generate what she has been yearning to create, that’s when things start to transform on the outside.Vanessa is showing up in all parts of her life and work with a much deeper sense of confidence - a sense of confidence that feels like a combination of ferocity, love, playfulness and vulnerability all swirling together and coming up through her. Burn-out is no longer a threat to her. Life is still very challenging and yet she feels so much more resilient and capable. She begins to have more days where she feels greater ease and flow rather than struggle. And as she behaves in this confident way, Vanessa’s sense of confidence grows exponentially, and her abilities as a leader, which were already evident but not fully in potential, bloom. She blooms into her leadership from this place of confidence. She blooms in to her sense of purpose - she has accessed greater courage and she knows she is not alone. She is so aware that it is in connection with others that her confidence, her sense of purpose and her courage grow. She sees how she is being received by others, as she relates to them. She sees how her sense of her own value, which has also grown exponentially through this process, is being reflected in the eyes of others, at work and at home. She sees her “incredible-ness” for herself, while also accepting that she is a work in progress who makes many mistakes along the way and then learns from them.
Over time, Vanessa starts to see more and more changes. The changes at home surprise and delight her - she realizes that her connection to her husband is deeper, and together they are able to turn toward and face the challenges of their life, including the high anxiety of their child. They do this in a generative fashion, where slowly but surely they can see progress, and moments of calm and hope in the family are more and more common. It’s like they’re on an upward spiral of hope and possibility.
In fact, Vanessa feels better in so many areas of her life now. It’s self-reinforcing. And it’s freeing. When Vanessa takes time to reflect, which she certainly does more often now, she can hardly believe what is transformed in her life and how she has transformed. She is amazed, grateful and proud of herself. And she is happy and determined to continue to grow into her potential and support others to do the same - making this world a better place. She finally has the energy and the time to contribute to the world in the way she has long been yearning for. The fruits of her transformation are indeed very sweet - for Vanessa, for her family, for her work community, and the world. Hurray!!! This is no small matter, as it is women like Vanessa who, if they are empowered, are capable of healing the world – yes healing the world, just as the Dalai Lama predicted a few years ago when he was in Vancouver. This is BIG!
So, if you see yourself in Vanessa, I invite you to step more fully into your incredible-ness. Join other women who are willing to risk and be vulnerable enough to start showing more of their incredible-ness. We really need to to step into this! I mean, look at the state of the world today. We don’t have to look far to see we are needed in our incredible-ness. Do you feel the urgency of it? I certainly do - that’s why I’m being vulnerable and sharing with you like this.
The following events are a safe place to practice being in your incredible-ness:
I am excited to be resuming monthly Feminine Power Women’s Circles after a break over the summer.
Finally, we have a Making Room For You Retreat happening again, featuring the Unlock Your Power and Manifest Your Vision Breakthrough 2-Day Workshop for Awakening Women, nurturing yoga classes, delicious food in the company of other incredible women. A number of women have already registered and space is limited!
I want to end on a note of gratitude and acknowledgment. The major aspects of the process of Vanessa’s transformation are thanks to the work of the incredible Dr. Claire Zammit, founder of Feminine Power and my mentor. And finally, thank you to all the women who have shared with me over the years!
