It’s Time for Us to Be Smarter with These Big Feelings

In my mid-February newsletter, I encouraged you (and me) to connect with gratitude as a way to powerfully navigate the particularly uncertain times we are in – the threat of a pandemic being top of mind. Since the uncertainty is not going away any time soon, I wanted to share more ideas with you to support us all in these times. These times are providing an opportunity for us to grow and become more emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence is about being smarter with our feelings, bringing our cognition and our feelings together. (Definition from SixSeconds.org) Our feelings are important data to take in; we ignore them at our peril.

Often when we are feeling big feelings we can get overwhelmed - or we worry that if we do stop and feel them we will get overwhelmed, like getting hit with a big wave. (See this blog post for more on that.) So one strategy we use is to ignore them. But if we do so, they don’t disappear. Like Leah Weiss, author of How We Work, says in this powerful podcast How to Fail Better at Work feelings are like a balloon inside us. If we squish them down in an attempt to ignore them and move on, they just squeeze out somewhere else.

And what happens when you put too much pressure on a balloon?

It bursts… Yes, we can have outbursts, tantrums worthy of a teenager, snap at people unexpectedly. It’s not pretty for anyone! And/or we can start taking actions in a reactive, even panicked way, without pausing to reflect and respond with more wisdom and perspective. These behaviours can be very destructive for us and for people around us, in all aspects of our lives.

So particularly now, while we are all dealing with extra uncertainty because of this virus, it is important to be working with our feelings rather than struggling against them or being at the mercy of them.

And if the above wasn't reason enough to work with our feelings, consider this, in the words of Tara Brach in Radical Compassion: "But when we pull away from fear and other painful emotions, we also pull away from our full presence and vitality. We pull away from our intelligence, creativity, and capacity for love." Sigh.

Therefore, I want to offer a way to practice checking in with yourself that is a blend of emotional intelligence training I have received from Six Seconds and from Feminine Power.

I have to admit that I myself shied away from this type of practice initially. It was hard and unfamiliar to me, even though I had been a coach for years. Like many of us, I tended to skip over any difficult feelings in favour of action, moving on to something easier. But I have since learned how critical it is for us, at any stage, to grow into our emotional intelligence. And, as we become leaders at work, home and in the community, it's even more important that we are emotionally intelligent. The stakes get higher and higher. (See HBR Must Reads: On Emotional Intelligence.)

For some of us it takes a while to actually give ourselves permission to feel anything at all, let alone have any needs, since we are so focused on supporting other people and the pressure is high. I could go on about this and have done so in other posts. But for now, let’s get into the practice, a version of what I try to practice daily. It's not easy, but really worthwhile trying, again and again. It's growth.

Let’s use the example of the feelings that can come up about the threat of COVID-19 right now.

I invite you to listen to your feelings rather than ignore them, by taking the following steps:

1. Get Quiet. Find a few minutes of quiet time, perhaps with a journal or some way to take notes. (I like the early morning before anyone else in the house is awake, but you may find a different time works better for you. I use a paper journal. If you are using your phone put it on “do not disturb”.)

2. Be Kind and Patient, and Practice. Remind yourself to be kind and patient as you would so naturally be to a younger person in your life. This can take practice, so just do your best, this is you growing as you were designed to do – you’ll get better over time. Emotional intelligence is a competency that can be learned, with time and commitment.

3. Begin Checking in. Then begin to check in with yourself. Ask yourself how you are feeling, in a kind and patient way.

4. What are you feeling? Identify the Feelings. You are acknowledging your feelings to yourself - try not to judge them at all. Just be curious. If you like, write them down.

• Try to be specific about your feelings when you identify them. (Here’s a link to a list of feelings that can be helpful when you are trying to get clear on what is coming up for you.)

• We usually feel a blend of different feelings. Maybe in the case of the virus, you are feeling anxious, vulnerable and overwhelmed. (I have noticed these feelings in me lately.) Just note those feelings.

5. What do you Need? And after acknowledging and noting your feelings, reflect on what you need. Write your needs down too. (Here’s a list of needs.) Maybe you need to feel safe, to feel understood, to have better communication with your family or colleagues.

• Just the process of checking in and trying to listen to yourself in this way, without even trying to fix or solve anything, is very empowering and healing, especially when repeated over time. You are seeing yourself. You will be less likely to burst your balloon.

• If you find this really hard (like I found it too at first), that’s ok. Just notice it’s hard and that’s information for you – it may be really important for you to keep trying to practice this and get better at it.

6. Be Smart with your Feelings and Needs. Then be smart with those feelings and needs – bring your cognition into it. What do you see about the situation from the perspective of your wisest, most adult self, the part of you who shows up as a very helpful person to others in your life (perhaps the part of you that provides valuable professional advice, for example). What does this part of you notice as you examine the valuable data of your feelings and needs?

• Maybe you will have an insight - perhaps that you could pull back and look at patterns and themes in your life. You might remember what you learned in a situation in the past that can help you now.

• Maybe you can choose to connect to your sense of optimism and hope about the situation.

• Maybe you will remember what you value most in life and see what appplying your values to the situation does for you.

• Maybe you will become aware of the “common humanity” of the situation, realizing that we are all in this together, which connects you to something larger and can feel grounding and energizing.

7. Consider taking an Action. And then, once you have become smarter with your feelings, you may wish to take an action that feels aligned with what you learned from the wisdom inside of you.

• Maybe you will decide to limit your intake of the news or change where you are getting your news from.

• Maybe you will decide to talk to someone close to you about what you are feeling and needing and together you will gain more perspective and take other actions that feel helpful to you.

• Maybe you will decide to try this again tomorrow.

8. Celebrate! Celebrate that you completed the practice! Pat yourself on the back, say, “Yay!” or whatever makes you feel good. I know it sounds silly, but don’t skip this. (BJ Fogg in his new book Tiny Habits, which is an amazing resource for habit building, explains the research behind this.)

9. Consider Making it a Habit. Consider doing this practice (or some version of it that works for you) daily, making a habit of it.Everyone benefits when we practice emotional intelligence. And we need more empathy and compassion and optimism, all products of emotional intelligence, in the world now, more than ever.If you try the process, do let me know how it worked for you! It's been helpful for me and my emotional intelligence to write it up for you.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this Post is for educational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or condition.  It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice and does not create a provider-client relationship with the author.